Why Running is Dumb But My New Hoka Speedgoat 4s Are Not

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Running is very useful; it is also very stupid. Let’s fight about this.

I’ve never felt runner’s high. I think that’s a lie perpetuated by Big Run, the short-shorts wearing, defined quad having, sinewy musculatured stepchild of Big Tobacco and Big Oil. However, running allows me to enjoy eating an entire large pizza and as many donuts as I can carry, which is quite a bit. Did you know that if you run four miles around a mountain town, you can eat your body weight in pastries because calories don’t exist at altitude after a jog? Yup! Thanks, science. Still, I think running is the dumbest thing that I do all the time.

Unlike skiing or mountain biking, there is no point on a trail or road run where the participant yells out in pure unadulterated joy, zero exclamations of happiness, nada barks of woohoo. Right now, some of you might be saying,…

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